Monday, February 27, 2017

7 years in Heaven

My mom...  May I always remember her exactly like this photo.... Smiling in the sunshine surrounded by her family and grandchildren.

Today marks 7 years.... while it seems so long ago it also feels like yesterday.  I miss this women more than I thought I still would.  I miss her voice, her laugh, her hands, her home cooked meals, her phone calls, her guidance, her love...

I had a great day today at home thinking of her all day.  The music station played old country hymns that were exactly what I wanted to hear and were a constant reminder of her.  I was able to reflect on my life and the things she has taught me.
  * Remember others when they need help, bring a meal, mail a card. Be present.
  * Speak your mind but know when to hold your tongue.
  * It is ok to be vulnerable.
  * Being a wife and a mom is a gift.  Cook the meals, clean the mess, provide.
  * Have fun and enjoy your life.

Through it all I have come away knowing more about myself, caring more for others, and creating deeper relationships.  I am so thankful I wrote on this blog.  I can truly say it was therapy as I would never have said these things out loud to anyone and it has also allowed me to remember moments amongst my grieving.

Thanks mom, I wish I would have told you that more.


Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Are there still readers out there....

It's crazy to me that it has been over 3 years since I have been on this blog.... Where has the time gone??? I had almost completely forgotten about my writings here. How is it possible I could forget when this was such a vital piece of my grieving process!
I have loved reading back through these posts and reliving some of these emotions and highlights of life.  It was such an outlet for me and I am so thankful I have this to look back on because I don't want to forget, especially when I can compare how far I have come.
Life is still hard some days, I miss my mom like crazy but in this journey I am getting better at life without her and her daily guidance. I can't believe we are going on 7 years..... 7 years!
I hope to continue my thoughts on this blog on a more consistent basis.
Are there still readers out there....?

Friday, April 19, 2013

Can my baby really be 5 today!

With every birthday I am amazed on how fast time has went.  I know that everyone feels the same way but I love reflecting with each special day of these boys on their age cause really I can not believe that my baby is 5 today!

It makes me sad when I look at all these old photos because it was such a fun time with them when they were all really small.  It was busy but fun.  And I am not sure I was really thinking it was that fun at the time...

I love how close these brothers are.  Most days they love eachother whole heartedly and other days they can not stand eachother.  I love watching this Baar boy unit play, explore, learn, grow, praise, giggle, and love.  I AM SO BLESSED!!!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Treyman is 7

Trey's 7th birthday was yesterday.  It has been a weekend filled with TREY which has been so much fun and I am exhausted!  He got to be the special person at school all week and had different activites to do all week.  He loved his week!

He had friends over on Saturday and we played games in the backyard.  We were so thankful for the beautiful sunshine which allowed these boys to burn some energy and compete in games which kept this rowdy bunch from destroying this place.  He has such a great group of boys in his class and we are thankful for these buddies who will hopefully keep this kid in line the next 10-15 years.

Trey trying to act like Goofy in Disney.  He was so proud of this purchase he made with his money.  Typical Trey :)

I am so proud of this little man!  He has such a kind & sweet heart and is loved by so many people.  I know he will keep me on my toes in the future but he will also keep me laughing with his goofy self and ideas.  I pray that God gives me the patience, guidance, and wisdom to help this boy grow into a Man of God who can do something real special in this world.

Disneyland & 3 years in Heaven

Wow!  I have been unable to log into by blogger account for a couple of months and I have felt lost not being able to share on here and also in being able to keep up on daily writings of some of the people I like to follow on here.  But.... I'M BACK!  Yay!!

Disneyland-  At the end of Feb. we took a 6 day trip to Anaheim, CA with our kids, Kip's parents, and Chad, Kandi, Dakota, & Faith.  We had SO much fun!  This was my first time and also my boys' first time in Disneyland. It was so much more than I imagined and hoped.  I have many pictures but will only share a few.

They had no idea what to expect of their first airplane ride or Disneyland.  That made it so much more fun and special.


We LOVED CarsLand! 

This was the only picture we got of our whole group and obviously the random person taking the photo didn't do the best job. 

This was a huge highlight of our trip for me, not the best picture but I had to share.  We had just gotten off  California Screamin which we skipped the first time our group of riders hopped on.  I was horrified, (so was Kandi) of that rollercoaster but I did it, We did it!  We were so proud of us!  My mom loved rollercoasters and I thought of her the whole time.  She would have been so proud of me!
Moms 3rd Anniversary in Heaven-  Feb. 27 was my moms 3rd anniversary in Heaven and we just happened to be in "The Happiest Place on Earth".  I was reminded of her so many times during the day.  I was flooded with text & facebook messages from my loved ones back home but also I was reminded of her in the Park.  We were on "Soarin" and I was overwhelmed with the beauty of California and the sights we were seeing.  My mom loved California.  She was born there and as we were flying over many sights I just couldn't help but think of her.  I was brought to tears by the whole experience.

We also kept up our tradition of sending her a balloon with special messages.  The boys got to write her special things on this Mickey balloon that they knew she would LOVE.  They knew she would be excited to see this coming from Disneyland and feel really special to get a Mickey balloon.  It reminded me how much we miss her.  She should still be here to do these fun things with us!

We ended the night watching the World of Color.  That was so awesome and it even included a rainbow which I was waiting all day to see.   The rainbows seem to magically appear around special days for us and I was hoping she wouldn't let us down this time.  Along with a clear rainbow in the show the vibrant rainbow colors shown the entire show.  It was incredible!  Thanks mom...

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

4 years CANCER FREE!

I enjoy reflecting back to major milestones in my life.  There are a few bitter sweet moments in my 31 short years here.  One of those being 4 years ago today....

When I was 18 and I found out that I had the BRCA1 gene I knew my life might get complicated but I didn't realize how and when.  Never did I think at the age of 27 that I would have to face my fate head on.  Sometimes I think the naivety of the situation carried me through.

So today, 4 years ago, I kissed my boys goodbye, spread them out throughout many generous helping hands, checked into the hospital for my mastectomy, shed a few tears with my mom and my family, put my brave face on,  and after a few short hours,  I became a Survivor.  A breast cancer survivor.  I was the lucky one... who easily overcame a demon that claims too many lives.  I was the lucky one... who was able to easily defeat it before it defeated me.

I spent 2 gruesome nights in the hospital, moved into my parents house where my mom took such awesome care of me, and stayed there through Christmas and almost to New Years I think.  That was almost one of my favorite Christmases.  Of course I missed spending that time at home with my own family but I got to spend such quality time with my mom.  I am so thankful that she was still here with us to see me through that time in my life.

Cheers to many more cancer free years...

Monday, December 3, 2012

A Time Of Reflection... mom moment

I am reminded everyday of my mom.  I wish more than anything that she was still here with us.  My only real comfort is knowing that she is free from her illness now.  With each passing day I realize more and more how our lives, let alone hers, was consumed with cancer.  While we haven't had to even think about chemo... blood counts... blood transfusions... CA 125s... MRI or CT scans.... Drs. appts.... side effects... since she passed, our lives seem so simple.  How I wish she could have had more time here on earth without these barriers and this "thing" that defined her and the last 10 years of her life.  Milestones for our family were always confined inside her barriers. 

With the tragic passing of my cousin Brad this past month it all comes flooding back.   The funeral, the burial, the tears, the grieving.  While they are very different situations they still are so much the same.  The realization for the family that we are left behind here to carry on in sadness and hope that one day we will all meet again.   Wondering how we can spend the rest of our lives here on earth without them and how long this may seem all the while they are celebrating and living in grandeur in Heaven. 

With this tragedy, ironically, I become very thankful that I had time with my mom to somewhat prepare for her passing.  I can't even imagine someone just being ripped from my life immediately.  That seems almost unbearable...  I thank God for the 10 years that I got to spend quality time with my mom when maybe I would have taken that time for granted.   I realize that this was part of the plan for my life and if she hadn't been sick when I was 18 maybe my life would have taken a very different direction.

Enough rambling....  I wanted to end my time of reflection with the poem that was read at my cousins burial.  It was so touching and of course didn't leave a dry eye there...

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
David M. Romano

 When tomorrow starts without me,
and I’m not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an Angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand,

and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I’d have to leave behind,
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,

for all life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
just even for awhile,
I’d say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
that this could never be,

for emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,
and all I’ve promised you".

Today for life on earth is past,
but here it starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day’s the same day,
there’s no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
you knew you shouldn’t do.

But you have been forgiven
and now at last you’re free.
So won’t you take my hand
and share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don’t think we’re far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I’m right here, in your heart.