A Step Behind... "mom moment"

This is the new title of my life these days. I feel like I fly around most days of the week... a step behind. I wake up a step behind my kids in the morning, I arrive at work a step behind my schedule, my housework and mealtimes are a step behind my ideal. I arrive slightly later than planned to everything I am supposed to be doing, yelling and screaming at the kids because we just are not doing things fast enough, even though it is my fault we are a step behind the minute we wake up in the morning. Hagh...

I have been having a hard time figuring out why I am this way at this point in my life. I like to blame it on the weather, the time of year, my hormones, the busyness of life with these little kids, my hormones, the dreaded "grieving process". I really can't pin point exactly why I can't get it together...

I find it really hard lately to sit and put my thoughts into words. I don't even want to anymore. I feel so numb about my reality without mom. I feel so numb emotionally and spiritually. Why is this? Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel so lost? Is this normal? I don't even have the energy to deal with any of it.

I had a great weekend doing family things. My cousin, Heidi, had recently gotten married in Hawaii and had a reception here in Bellingham this weekend. I found it alittle emotional as once again mom wasn't there. I sat there looking at all of our family wondering if they even thought of mom and felt like we were missing so much because she wasn't there. She would have had so much fun with everyone and would have been so proud of Heidi. I know mom really loved Heidi. She looked so happy and beautiful and mom missed it...

My nephew Trigg was baptized on Sunday. This was very emotional for us. More than I expected. For my dad and me it was the first time we had been back in the church where we had moms service. It was the church we all used to attend together growing up. As I stood there singing, I couldn't believe that mom was not here to see her grandson be baptized in her church. I almost felt angry that my mom wasn't there...

Reading another blog written about peepholes in Heaven. I wonder if this could be true. Are there moments when God calls her in Heaven to look down upon us down here? Does she see us struggling? Does she see us hitting milestones without her? Is she proud of us? Is she sad that we are still sad or numb?

The boys asked me today what Nana was eating in Heaven. We talk about her everyday. Every rainbow or beautiful moon is an immediate reminder of her to them. I hope it stays that way... It really is cute that every time we drive by the cemetery someone will give a shout out to Nana by saying "Hi Nana" or "We miss you Nana". It luckily brings a huge smile to my face every time they talk about her or remember her.

Today would have been my parents 41st wedding anniversary. This picture was taken one year ago at our surprise anniversary dinner for them at the Black Forest.