4 months already... "mom moment"

It has been 4 months today since my mom took her last breath here on earth. I don't think a day has gone by since then that I haven't shed a tear. Everyday something hits me, takes my breath away. Some of the time I cry alone... Sometimes I shed a few tears with a friend... Sometimes it can be held back with a single tear or a deep breath...

I see now how Jesus carried me through the past 6 months. Just like in the "Footprints" poem. He carried me and he continues to carry me. When I start to panic and think that I can not do this anymore I am reminded that I must continue to Trust In Him With All My Heart. He is still there...

This weekend was the Relay For Life. I didn't make it there. We didn't have a team this year and didn't have one last year either. I thought I would try and check it out and see the luminaria bags that were made in honor of me and in memory of mom but I just couldn't go. I have always had a hard time being excited and encouraged by the Relay and I knew it would be much worse this year. As I looked through pictures to decorate moms luminaria bag I found a really cute one of her walking in the survivor lap and waving to someone in the crowd. She had a huge smile on her face. I know mom hated going to the Relay every year and walking in that lap. Why the heck was she so happy about it? She only did it for us. Every year she walked with such grace and honor but really she wasn't celebrating being a "survivor" she was merely just walking because she had survived another miserable year of chemotherapy, side effects, and Drs appointments. Cancer has left such a terrible mark on our family and honestly cancer can sometimes feel hopeless. Relay is all about Hope and I am just not feeling that right now and maybe one of these years that will change. But for now, it is what it is...

I will leave you with this quote from Maya Angelou that I found at moms tonight. It is on top of a box of things mom had kept together. Inside the box you can find some of our kids' baby footprints, their ultrasound pictures, some cute drawings and notes, and most recently letters that us girls had written to mom. I bought this box for mom shortly after she was diagnosed with cancer and think she did a pretty darn good job, or at least the best she could, of following ol Maya's directions...

We spend precious hours fearing the inevitable.

It would be wise to use that time adoring our families,

cherishing our friends, and living our lives.

Well done mom...