Wow, do I ever miss my mom...She wasn't only my mom but my best friend. Everyday I long to talk to her. I want to tell her all about the stuff we are doing. I want to talk to her about my boys. I am missing her more as a friend who will just sit and listen or give me advice even when I don't want it. She was never afraid to say it like it was. I loved her for that...
How am I going to do this? I never imagined life without her would be this hard. I think of her so much throughout the day. I find myself longing to just talk about her. Everytime I look at my friends I can't stop thinking how lucky they are to still have their moms here with them. Even though I had the past 10 years to make sure I didn't take her forgranted, they still were not quality years. Cancer took so much from her and our family.
For 10 years she battled... She lost her hair.... She lost her energy... She lost days on the couch feeling crummy... She lost days at the infusion center and drs offices... She was reminded every day that she was battling cancer. In those last few weeks she told numerous people how "free" she felt. Free because she did not have one more appointment to go to, no more chemotherapy, no more blood work. Even though she was dying she felt free. It gave her peace. I can't even begin to imagine how that felt.
I am still trying to "Trust in the Lord with all my heart" but it isn't getting easier. Grieving is tiring... it is hard work....
Love you Kelli! Praying for you always and hoping you feel the love that surrounds you. Got quite teary eyed (imagine that!!) reading this post not only for the sadness that you're feeling but also b/c the bag in back of your mom's is my grandma..Nettie Trickett. She passed away way too early from cancer as well and I know my mom went through all the same feelings you are. I think Chad, me and Ian were around 7, 5 & 2 when she passed away...Debbie was born not even a year later. Just puts a lot of things into perspective when I read your blog...and I need that from time to time. Thank you.
ReplyDeletePraying for you during this journey....it's not easy.....one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing.
Melinda
Oh Kelli. The tears just fall when I read this blog. I just want to give you a big hug. You express yourself so beautifully. I know you might not feel like it, but you are so brave...so courageous. To read about the thoughts and feelings you have....it brings me back to that table at homestead...when I told you about Eden. I had the same desire then....just to talk about her. I'd love to talk to you sometime. Just grab some dinner/lunch/drinks. Do whatever and talk about whatever. I'm so sorry Kelli, that you have this road to walk...sometimes it just simply feels impossible and sometimes nothing anyone says makes a bit of difference. In those heavy times...when it doesn't feel like there's enough air to fill your lungs, enough tears to keep falling, enough left in your heart to keep beating....know that there is always one person who knows exactly how it feels. God is holding you, even when you feel like you're falling.
ReplyDeleteJill