7 years in Heaven

My mom...  May I always remember her exactly like this photo.... Smiling in the sunshine surrounded by her family and grandchildren.

Today marks 7 years.... while it seems so long ago it also feels like yesterday.  I miss this women more than I thought I still would.  I miss her voice, her laugh, her hands, her home cooked meals, her phone calls, her guidance, her love...

I had a great day today at home thinking of her all day.  The music station played old country hymns that were exactly what I wanted to hear and were a constant reminder of her.  I was able to reflect on my life and the things she has taught me.
  * Remember others when they need help, bring a meal, mail a card. Be present.
  * Speak your mind but know when to hold your tongue.
  * It is ok to be vulnerable.
  * Being a wife and a mom is a gift.  Cook the meals, clean the mess, provide.
  * Have fun and enjoy your life.

Through it all I have come away knowing more about myself, caring more for others, and creating deeper relationships.  I am so thankful I wrote on this blog.  I can truly say it was therapy as I would never have said these things out loud to anyone and it has also allowed me to remember moments amongst my grieving.

Thanks mom, I wish I would have told you that more.

Kelli

Disneyland & 3 years in Heaven

Wow!  I have been unable to log into by blogger account for a couple of months and I have felt lost not being able to share on here and also in being able to keep up on daily writings of some of the people I like to follow on here.  But.... I'M BACK!  Yay!!

Disneyland-  At the end of Feb. we took a 6 day trip to Anaheim, CA with our kids, Kip's parents, and Chad, Kandi, Dakota, & Faith.  We had SO much fun!  This was my first time and also my boys' first time in Disneyland. It was so much more than I imagined and hoped.  I have many pictures but will only share a few.

 

They had no idea what to expect of their first airplane ride or Disneyland.  That made it so much more fun and special.

 

 

We LOVED CarsLand! 

 

This was the only picture we got of our whole group and obviously the random person taking the photo didn't do the best job. 

 

This was a huge highlight of our trip for me, not the best picture but I had to share.  We had just gotten off  California Screamin which we skipped the first time our group of riders hopped on.  I was horrified, (so was Kandi) of that rollercoaster but I did it, We did it!  We were so proud of us!  My mom loved rollercoasters and I thought of her the whole time.  She would have been so proud of me!

 

 

Moms 3rd Anniversary in Heaven-  Feb. 27 was my moms 3rd anniversary in Heaven and we just happened to be in "The Happiest Place on Earth".  I was reminded of her so many times during the day.  I was flooded with text & facebook messages from my loved ones back home but also I was reminded of her in the Park.  We were on "Soarin" and I was overwhelmed with the beauty of California and the sights we were seeing.  My mom loved California.  She was born there and as we were flying over many sights I just couldn't help but think of her.  I was brought to tears by the whole experience.

We also kept up our tradition of sending her a balloon with special messages.  The boys got to write her special things on this Mickey balloon that they knew she would LOVE.  They knew she would be excited to see this coming from Disneyland and feel really special to get a Mickey balloon.  It reminded me how much we miss her.  She should still be here to do these fun things with us!

 

We ended the night watching the World of Color.  That was so awesome and it even included a rainbow which I was waiting all day to see.   The rainbows seem to magically appear around special days for us and I was hoping she wouldn't let us down this time.  Along with a clear rainbow in the show the vibrant rainbow colors shown the entire show.  It was incredible!  Thanks mom...

A Time Of Reflection... mom moment

I am reminded everyday of my mom.  I wish more than anything that she was still here with us.  My only real comfort is knowing that she is free from her illness now.  With each passing day I realize more and more how our lives, let alone hers, was consumed with cancer.  While we haven't had to even think about chemo... blood counts... blood transfusions... CA 125s... MRI or CT scans.... Drs. appts.... side effects... since she passed, our lives seem so simple.  How I wish she could have had more time here on earth without these barriers and this "thing" that defined her and the last 10 years of her life.  Milestones for our family were always confined inside her barriers. 

With the tragic passing of my cousin Brad this past month it all comes flooding back.   The funeral, the burial, the tears, the grieving.  While they are very different situations they still are so much the same.  The realization for the family that we are left behind here to carry on in sadness and hope that one day we will all meet again.   Wondering how we can spend the rest of our lives here on earth without them and how long this may seem all the while they are celebrating and living in grandeur in Heaven. 

With this tragedy, ironically, I become very thankful that I had time with my mom to somewhat prepare for her passing.  I can't even imagine someone just being ripped from my life immediately.  That seems almost unbearable...  I thank God for the 10 years that I got to spend quality time with my mom when maybe I would have taken that time for granted.   I realize that this was part of the plan for my life and if she hadn't been sick when I was 18 maybe my life would have taken a very different direction.

Enough rambling....  I wanted to end my time of reflection with the poem that was read at my cousins burial.  It was so touching and of course didn't leave a dry eye there...

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
David M. Romano

 When tomorrow starts without me,
and I’m not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
...

we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an Angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand,

and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I’d have to leave behind,
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
just even for awhile,
I’d say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,
and all I’ve promised you".
Today for life on earth is past,
but here it starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day’s the same day,
there’s no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
you knew you shouldn’t do.

But you have been forgiven
and now at last you’re free.
So won’t you take my hand
and share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don’t think we’re far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I’m right here, in your heart.

 

Waves of Sadness "mom moment"

Its hard for me to put my feelings and thoughts into words but in days when I can't figure out how to express myself I need to get better about blogging it. This blog has been such a great outlet for me and it has been encouraging for me to be able to reflect back on this journey I call my life.

Today I feel sad. Today I can own the fact that I have felt waves of sadness numerous times.

I am sad and feeling sorry for myself because I miss my mom. I miss her presense in my life... I miss the love and warmth she poured into her home... I miss having a mother. Don't get me wrong, I feel this way all of the time but today it has just overwhelmed me, in a way that I just cannot shake. I feel breathless, melancholy in a way.

So many memories have come flooding into my thoughts. Memories can help me remember her in a way that I never want to forget and always treasure but on a day like today it just makes me feel worse. I realize that there are many times I do not put my thoughts into words because it hurts too much and I don't feel up to going there. I am really not as strong as I appear.

So there it is, tomorrow will be a better day....

I hope you dance.... & Heaven... "mom moment"

Years ago my mom gave me a little book titled, I hope you dance. She wrote this on the first page:

T0: Kelli
From: Mom
Why: Because this is what I really want for you! :) October 2, 2004.

The pages contain lyrics to the song and then a deeper meaning for individual words, along with little sayings and quotes. LeeAnn Womack writes a passage that says "When I heard the lyric of "I hope you dance" the first time, my children came to mind immediately. These are the things I want for them in life... I remember thinking, "If they understand the meaning of this lyric when they're grown, I'll have done my job as their mother".

The last page says this: If tomorrow you wake up feeling unoriginal or frail-hearted or faithless or tired of this world, please, pick up this book and start back at page one. (Or just call me.)

This song had changed so much for me after receiving this from my mom. I put this book away for YEARS not able to look at it, now it is one of my most favored posessions from her. I understand exactly why she gave it to me and I love every word of the book and it speak straight from her heart to mine. Thanks mom...

HEAVEN (n.): (1) a place somehow high above the clouds, yet deep inside your soul; (2) a place of complete peace, of total and utter happiness; (3) a place that is greater than the sum of everything you will ever be or could ever imagine to be; (4) a place we all want to get to, but just not yet...

I love to think of Heaven, what it is like to enter it. I think so often of moms first moments in such a place. The peace she must have felt after her battle here. What peace she must have felt... I picture her face beautiful and healthy, youthful and untouched. What Glory she is a part of.

Tomorrow marks 2 years since losing mom and it still hurts to think of life without her but it has gotten easier and I am so thankful for that. I have read back through my blog posts since mom died and while all my emotions feel the same as before they have changed and my future seems brighter. I have HOPE. Not a day goes by that I don't thank my Heavenly Father for carrying me when I needed to be carried and being with me EVERYDAY.

He has given me so many blessings to be thankful for and so many people to surround me in my darkest days. Thank you to those who have stood by my side, carried me, guided me, prayed for me, and loved me through all the tough times. Sometimes when I didn't think they would be tough.

I can not wait to see my mom again. Of course I am not ready to leave this earth and only He knows when my time will come but man, when I am on my way, I will be running faster than I ever have, straight to her there waiting for me...

I love you mom and miss you like crazy, EVERYDAY! Here is to many more days and moments remembering you.... Cheers.

Weekend for My Mom

Yet another post about mom... seems like that is the only thing I have to talk about these days. There really is a lot going on in our lives besides the grieving. We are super busy with school, work, and now soccer. I don't think I am really this drab everyday (at least I hope not) but find I can easily talk about her on here.

Moms 60th birthday was yesterday and now today, Mothers Day. Funny how last year, this year, and next year the 2 days fall on the same weekend. We went to moms grave yesterday and sang "Happy Birthday", sent her messages on balloons, and left flowers and these little bird things that we found. My mom loved birds. She seemed to be watching them all the time in her backyard and she has left that legacy with my boys. They remember her loving birds, especially blue birds (says Kobe).

While I can't celebrate either of these 2 days with her physically on earth. I have been thinking about her and celebrating her in my heart all weekend. It is STILL unbelievable to me that someone so young and beautiful is already in Heaven. I can't even tell you how much I miss her...

My girlfriend sent me this quote this morning. I LOVE it!

"I am fooling only myself when I say that my mother exists now only in the photographs on my bulletin board or in the outline of my hand or in the armful of memories I still hold tight. She lives on beneath everything I do. Her presence influenced who I was, and her absence influences who I am. Our lives are shaped as much by those who leave us as they are by those who stay. Loss is our legacy. Insight is our gift. Memory is our guide."

Her final breath... "mom moment"

Saturday, February 27, 2010 at 7:45am my mom took her final breath here on earth. She lay surrounded by her husband and her children in her own home and in her own bed. It was a setting that we had anticipated for quite awhile. I could never have imagined a more peaceful and beautiful moment.

It was the first night that all of us were there. Although we all didn't sleep much, we rested. We traded places next to mom a few times but to my privilege it was on my turn that her dreams became a heavenly reality.

Her breathing had changed throughout the night to become slower and more labored. But when I sat down in that chair it was distinctly different. The candles were done burning and the music had become silent. I remember sitting there watching her and getting this overwhelming feeling that this was it. Although we had given my mom to the Lord and Trusted Him with her soul it was at that moment with all of us surrounding her that we witnessed her leaving us, her family, and greeting Jesus at those Heavenly gates.

It was as if you could feel her soul leaving her body. In just a few short minutes all that lay there was an empty body that looked like my mom but wasn't my mom. I am so thankful that I was able to be part of such a miraculous thing. It really did change me forever.

I am so thankful that my mom is no longer in pain... is no longer fighting this terrible fight... is no longer feeling sick and weak... is no longer suffering here on earth. I try and fill my mind with the glorious things she is doing up there; Laughing, singing, feeling healthy, and hopefully being rewarded for the person she was, and most of all for loving Jesus.

Although I am so happy she is happy, I still cry today because I miss her more than ever and as time passes I know I will forget little things about her and my daily thoughts of her will grow fewer and farther between; And that makes me sad.

Here is more from our journal on her caring bridge site from a year ago-

Saturday, February 27, 2010 4:57 AM, CST
Just when I think I don't have the strength to do this anymore, God sends a friends encouraging words, strength from others sitting right here with you, a breath of Heaven. How he is actively at work in our lives at every moment!

I have had so many questions as to the whole process of dying in which watching it first hand changes your whole perspective of it. I had no idea it was this hard. I thought I had been preparing myself for the past 10 years for this moment; and now I get it! Now I understand the emotion of empathy that has been bestowed upon us by others who know what we are truly going through...

Mom continues to hold on... in a more deeper peaceful sleep...Kelli

Saturday, February 27, 2010 9:51 AM, PST
Mom was greeted at Heavens gate at 7:45 this morning. She left as peaceful as it could have ever been. We are all so thankful to have witnessed such a beautiful sight.

As we grieve, we are so excited for the joy we can only imagine she is experiencing walking with Jesus, her parents, KerryAnn, and all the others she has lost along the way.

Thank you everyone for all of your support and prayers.

Ed, Jon, Jeff & Melissa, Kip & Kelli, Don & Kristi


Saturday, February 27, 2010 8:28 PM, PST
It is crazy to think that mom has been in Heaven now for over 12 hrs. I wonder what she is doing? I wonder what it is like?

Throughout her life and the past 10 yrs she has left such an impact on all of our lives and has been such a living example of God and a testimony to Faith.

She has received so many cards from friends and family and I read this one the other day and I thought it was so fitting of her.

It's a comfort to know there are heroes among us- regular people, just like you- willing to do what they can to make the world a better place.

Heroes give instead of take. They act instead of talk. They step forward and do the hard and unseen jobs, to give the best of themselves- measuring their own success not by wealth or comfort, but by the lives they touch along the way.

That's what heroes do- and you are one of those people. Maybe you don't think of yourself that way- but that's what you are.

And I just want to tell you how grateful I am to know you and to know that there are heroes like you in the world.
J.F. Peterson

The funeral will be held at Sonlight on Wed. March 3rd at 11 am. With the burial in Lynden at 10 am. Kelli


Today I was surprised with a breakfast with my dearest friends. It took my breath away to walk into a room full of people who were there for me. I know my mom was looking down on us and smiling. It means more than I can even express to have people surround me in such a loving way. Thank you Tawnee, Kandi, Kristi, Melissa, Sarah, Terra, Nikki, Kristen, Jana, Tami, Stacy, Mel, Kristi, and Raelene for being there, for encouraging me with your kind cards and words, for spoiling me with your gifts and flowers, and most of all for being my friends. How did I ever get so lucky? Everyone should feel as special as I do, everyday...

Her final days... "mom moment"

A year ago today we were preparing for my moms final breaths. We knew it would be coming soon as she was hardly responsive. She would open her eyes, nod, maybe mumble some but mostly she just slept. It was quite peaceful. A hospice volunteer came to bath her. We combed her hair, we moistened her lips, but we mostly just sat and waited. It was hard to leave her side not knowing how or when she would be welcomed into Heaven. We played music for the silence and lit candles because it seemed to make things more comforting. She mumbled her sister, Kerry Ann's name and I was comforted with the thought that maybe my mom could see Kerry Ann and that she was just waiting to take her with her to meet Jesus.

Last night me and Kristi would have spent the night and tonight and tomorrow night we would do the same. Minutes seemed like hours and hours seemed like days. It was so hard to just sit and watch her fade away into unconciousness.

A year ago tomorrow she would be completely unresponsive. Her breaths were even more shallow, and her state even more peaceful. What seemed like eternity was only briefs moments in her life. She had so much more ahead of her and we all anxiously awaited her life to begin in Heaven.

This is from our caring bridge site last year-

Friday, February 26, 2010 3:07 AM, CST
It is 1 am and I sit here waiting.... waiting for Jesus's perfect timing....I hear in the background the humidifier which I spent many a nights listening to in my bedroom as my mom nursed by cough or cold. I also hear Olypmic figure skating on the TV in the other room. All growing up my mom loved to watch figure skating.

I see a recent picture of my parents just taken 6 weeks ago and believe how beautiful my mom is. Inside and out. I see in front of me a woman who has lived such a great life. Has raised a great family with such an example of what it means to be a wife for 40 years, a mother for 37, and an outstanding person for 58. Wow isn't God good! Mom is still hanging on, hanging on to a life that will soon be overshadowed by Heaven. A place we can only dream about and I am sure she is dreaming about it now or at least getting some glimpses...

Kelli

You might be sick of this picture but I don't think I ever will. This was the last photo I have of my mom and me. I will cherish this forever...

Still when I look at this picture I lose my breath and I get an instant knot in my stomach. She is so real here, so alive. The reality that she is really gone is still hard take in. I miss her so much, more than I thought could be possible. Thanks for checking in again and for listening to me remember...

Kelli

Her final week... "mom moment"

I find myself thinking all day long about what we were doing a year ago at this time. A year ago today mom started really going downhill. I remember spending most of the day with her. We talked alittle but she slept a lot. She was hardly eating anything, very weak, and crabby. We got together with my brother Jon to watch the Bachelor as we did on a weekly basis. She was still up and around in the living room and doing a great job at keeping up with all of her visitors.

After today, it really started to change. I want to remember so much about all of the declining details. I want to remember exactly how it went, I never want to forget, because it was such a growing experience for me.

Tomorrow mom would struggle to get out of bed but she would to take a shower and use the bathroom. She still held some conversation but was very spacy. She no longer had enough energy to carry on as normal. I remember her crying a couple of times knowing that this was the end. I think she was so scared! She is in quite a bit of pain too and we were working really hard with the hospice nurse to manage that. That was the last day I remember talking to her and having her reply back in sentences.

The day after tomorrow she would get up to take a shower and then never leave the bed again. She was in a lot of pain but if she wasn't fussed with or moved she could manage. She didn't talk much but did say a couple words here or there between fading in and out of sleep. I remember being really scared at this point but relied so much on my dad who had it all together. He was guiding us girls through every step. He was so strong and brave. I was amazed at him and what he was able to do and be for us.

I am not sure if I should be sharing these details but I find it so therapeutic. This is what we wrote on our caring bridge site a year ago:

Monday, February 22, 2010 6:30 PM, CST
We find ourselves thanking God everyday for the little things he has given us in the midst of our trial. He has given us this beautiful weather to brighten my moms days. The gloomiest months of the year, months she dreads every year, have been filled with warmth and sunshine. He has allowed all of our kids to spend the afternoons outside at my parents playing with eathother and showing my dad how important he is to them. Without that all of this would be harder on everyone... He is showing himself to us everyday!

Mom has been in more pain the past few days, the nights seem to be the worst. She has been sleeping quite a bit today. We just hope she can get more comfortable.Thanks for checking in and keep praying for these small miracles...Kelli

Tuesday, February 23, 2010 6:12 PM, CST
Lord, Someone we both care about so much is hurting, I pray that You will draw her close to You.Give her heart a big heavenly hug. Fill her mnd with the peace that only You can give. Bless her life with a joy that comes from deep down inside. Give her strength for this day and hope for tomorrow. And, Most of all, may she know she is never, ever alone.May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him... Romans 15:13 NIV

Mom has taken a definite decline today. While this is really scary for us all, we are trying to Trust in Him. She hopes and we hope he takes her from this suffering very soon...Kelli

Wednesday, February 24, 2010 7:04 PM, PST
Our Family is a circle of strength and love. With every birth and every union, the circle grows. Every joy shared adds more love. Every crisis faced together makes the circle stronger.

Today has been a hard day. Mom has been sleeping all day, and her communication with us has been very minimal. She seems to be at peace, which we are thankful for. At this time we are just waiting on God's perfect timing for her to go home. We appreciate all of the prayers and encouraging words...Kristi


I can tell from rereading these that God was definitely carrying us through our trial. I have wondered many times, how we got through all of that. We had no idea what was ahead of us, when it would all end, and how it would feel. How hard it would be to bury our mom and move on with life without her.

Thanks for checking in and listening to me ramble and reflect. Please pray for me and our family as I forsee a difficult week and weekend ahead. I find that I don't want people to forget my mom and sometimes as time goes on it sometimes seems that the world has forgetten that she even exsisted. She was such a beautiful person inside and out and I hope she is always remembered and deeply missed by all who knew her.


Kelli

Long Time, No Write... "mom moment"

Once again, I find that I am avoiding this blog. Somedays I wonder why I even started it and committed to keeping it updated. I hate getting over a month behind and trying to backtrack and I hate sitting down and really thinking about how sad I still really am.
Since my last post, Trey had his Christmas progam at Sonshine Preschool. Mrs. Brann and Mrs. Thompson do such a good job of putting this together and the kids did a great job singing the songs they have learned. Trey loves preschool, mostly because of his friends Dawson, Talan, and Deagan. He is a social little guy and loves to play with all the kids there.
We also celebrated Christmas with all of our family. I have so many pictures of our parties so I will only post a couple. The boys love all of their cousins and I hope they continue to grow up feeling that way. Christmas with dad went well. Of course we missed mom but we can now say we got through our first Christmas with her in Heaven. I am just hoping that each year it will get easier.

It is hard to really put into words how I am feeling these days. There is not a day that goes by that I don't desperately miss mom and when I think about the fact that I will not see her for a long time it still takes my breath away. I still can't imagine or comprehend that. It is in those moments I have to remember to take it one day at a time.

I feel like as time goes on some things get harder. It is crazy to think about what we were doing a year ago. How scared I was... How scared mom was.... How hard every day was... Sometimes I wish we could go back to last year... Sometimes I am so glad we have this year almost overwith...

I feel so much better now that I am caught up and verbalized my feelings. Cheers!

A Step Behind... "mom moment"

This is the new title of my life these days. I feel like I fly around most days of the week... a step behind. I wake up a step behind my kids in the morning, I arrive at work a step behind my schedule, my housework and mealtimes are a step behind my ideal. I arrive slightly later than planned to everything I am supposed to be doing, yelling and screaming at the kids because we just are not doing things fast enough, even though it is my fault we are a step behind the minute we wake up in the morning. Hagh...

I have been having a hard time figuring out why I am this way at this point in my life. I like to blame it on the weather, the time of year, my hormones, the busyness of life with these little kids, my hormones, the dreaded "grieving process". I really can't pin point exactly why I can't get it together...

I find it really hard lately to sit and put my thoughts into words. I don't even want to anymore. I feel so numb about my reality without mom. I feel so numb emotionally and spiritually. Why is this? Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel so lost? Is this normal? I don't even have the energy to deal with any of it.

I had a great weekend doing family things. My cousin, Heidi, had recently gotten married in Hawaii and had a reception here in Bellingham this weekend. I found it alittle emotional as once again mom wasn't there. I sat there looking at all of our family wondering if they even thought of mom and felt like we were missing so much because she wasn't there. She would have had so much fun with everyone and would have been so proud of Heidi. I know mom really loved Heidi. She looked so happy and beautiful and mom missed it...

My nephew Trigg was baptized on Sunday. This was very emotional for us. More than I expected. For my dad and me it was the first time we had been back in the church where we had moms service. It was the church we all used to attend together growing up. As I stood there singing, I couldn't believe that mom was not here to see her grandson be baptized in her church. I almost felt angry that my mom wasn't there...

Reading another blog written about peepholes in Heaven. I wonder if this could be true. Are there moments when God calls her in Heaven to look down upon us down here? Does she see us struggling? Does she see us hitting milestones without her? Is she proud of us? Is she sad that we are still sad or numb?

The boys asked me today what Nana was eating in Heaven. We talk about her everyday. Every rainbow or beautiful moon is an immediate reminder of her to them. I hope it stays that way... It really is cute that every time we drive by the cemetery someone will give a shout out to Nana by saying "Hi Nana" or "We miss you Nana". It luckily brings a huge smile to my face every time they talk about her or remember her.

Today would have been my parents 41st wedding anniversary. This picture was taken one year ago at our surprise anniversary dinner for them at the Black Forest.

My mom... "mom moment"

It seems like forever since I have really sat down and thought about just my mom. I find myself not trying to think about her. I think I am avoiding the emotions. I am not even sure why I am doing this. Maybe it is a part of my grieving...

In the past few months I busy myself with trying to replace her so that I don't have to notice that she is not there.

Tonight I rewatched the picture video that we made for moms funeral. I hadn't watched it since that day. I wasn't ready. For some reason I decided to watch it tonight. It was so different now then it was at the service. Then it was just a finished project for others and now it is a reminder to me of who my mom was and who she was to us.

I almost felt angry when it was done. All the pictures we have with her and our kids, she was sick. All she wanted was to be a grandmother and she was such a great one but she could have been so much more. Why couldn't she have been the healthy energetic grandma that other people get to be?

Over the past 7 months I have really realized that besides being my mom she was my best friend. I told her pretty much everything in my life. Everyday I want to talk to her and tell her everything that I normally would have. From my kids, to my husband, to my work, to my everyday trials, to TV shows, to housework, to gossip... We talked about everything! Nobody could talk or listen like her and I will never find someone to take that spot in my life. That makes me so sad and forever changed.

All in all... We miss her... I miss her... With every rainbow or beautiful moon I am reminded that she is watching over us from her place in Heaven and that puts a smile on my face and peace in my heart.

Happy 6 months... "mom moment"

While I can't say that we have had the "happiest" 6 months of our lives; Today, I remember my mom and how happy she is in Heaven right now. She is living in health and purity, in beauty and joyfulness, in grandeur and perfectness. I often feel so sad for her, for everything she is missing here with us and her grandkids but I understand now that she is the lucky one. We mourn because we miss her so much and it seems so selfish. I am trusting that she is the happiest she has ever been. That makes me happy, that makes me smile, and that makes me celebrate her today...

While our lives are forever changed, so is hers. To an everlasting life that is beyond our comprehension and imagination... Cheers!

Cancer... "mom moment"

Wow, do I ever miss my mom...

She wasn't only my mom but my best friend. Everyday I long to talk to her. I want to tell her all about the stuff we are doing. I want to talk to her about my boys. I am missing her more as a friend who will just sit and listen or give me advice even when I don't want it. She was never afraid to say it like it was. I loved her for that...

How am I going to do this? I never imagined life without her would be this hard. I think of her so much throughout the day. I find myself longing to just talk about her. Everytime I look at my friends I can't stop thinking how lucky they are to still have their moms here with them. Even though I had the past 10 years to make sure I didn't take her forgranted, they still were not quality years. Cancer took so much from her and our family.

For 10 years she battled... She lost her hair.... She lost her energy... She lost days on the couch feeling crummy... She lost days at the infusion center and drs offices... She was reminded every day that she was battling cancer. In those last few weeks she told numerous people how "free" she felt. Free because she did not have one more appointment to go to, no more chemotherapy, no more blood work. Even though she was dying she felt free. It gave her peace. I can't even begin to imagine how that felt.

I am still trying to "Trust in the Lord with all my heart" but it isn't getting easier. Grieving is tiring... it is hard work....

Toes in the water... Ass in the sand... "mom moment"

Upon returning home from an incredible 10 day vacation with some of my best friends and extended family, I am hit once again with reality. One of my favorite songs right now is "Toes" by the Zac Brown Band. What a perfect chorus-

I got my toes in the water... ass in the sand... not a worry in the world... a cold beer in my hand. Life is good today... life is good today.

Boy did we do exactly that this past week! I have made so many more memories with my friends and family and was enlighted with so much laughter and sunshine everyday. I came so close to not having a worry in the world but with such a great loss in my life, every day was missing something. So many conversations brought my moms memories back to me, I found myself sad numerous times everyday; but there is nothing like girlfriends and family to bring that smile right back on my face. I am so sad that I can not tell my mom all about it. All of the fun things we did and talked about. I even missed calling her mid week to report how we were all doing. She did however remind me of her presence every night when the moon came out...

Thank you Visser family for an amazing week in Sun Lakes!

pictures to come later...

4 months already... "mom moment"

It has been 4 months today since my mom took her last breath here on earth. I don't think a day has gone by since then that I haven't shed a tear. Everyday something hits me, takes my breath away. Some of the time I cry alone... Sometimes I shed a few tears with a friend... Sometimes it can be held back with a single tear or a deep breath...

I see now how Jesus carried me through the past 6 months. Just like in the "Footprints" poem. He carried me and he continues to carry me. When I start to panic and think that I can not do this anymore I am reminded that I must continue to Trust In Him With All My Heart. He is still there...

This weekend was the Relay For Life. I didn't make it there. We didn't have a team this year and didn't have one last year either. I thought I would try and check it out and see the luminaria bags that were made in honor of me and in memory of mom but I just couldn't go. I have always had a hard time being excited and encouraged by the Relay and I knew it would be much worse this year. As I looked through pictures to decorate moms luminaria bag I found a really cute one of her walking in the survivor lap and waving to someone in the crowd. She had a huge smile on her face. I know mom hated going to the Relay every year and walking in that lap. Why the heck was she so happy about it? She only did it for us. Every year she walked with such grace and honor but really she wasn't celebrating being a "survivor" she was merely just walking because she had survived another miserable year of chemotherapy, side effects, and Drs appointments. Cancer has left such a terrible mark on our family and honestly cancer can sometimes feel hopeless. Relay is all about Hope and I am just not feeling that right now and maybe one of these years that will change. But for now, it is what it is...

I will leave you with this quote from Maya Angelou that I found at moms tonight. It is on top of a box of things mom had kept together. Inside the box you can find some of our kids' baby footprints, their ultrasound pictures, some cute drawings and notes, and most recently letters that us girls had written to mom. I bought this box for mom shortly after she was diagnosed with cancer and think she did a pretty darn good job, or at least the best she could, of following ol Maya's directions...

We spend precious hours fearing the inevitable.

It would be wise to use that time adoring our families,

cherishing our friends, and living our lives.

Well done mom...

Grieving "mom moment"

It amazes me how I can go from being on top of everything, organized, and feeling good about life, to feeling like everything is just spinning out of control. Things in everyday life can sometimes feel so overwhelming. The thought of cleaning the house, or conquering the laundry, or paying the neverending bills, or even getting out of bed, can seem like the hardest things. Somedays every ounce of my energy goes into just getting through the day... functioning as a wife... a mom... going to work... and all of these other daily things seem impossible.

I hate feeling like this... I'm tired of it...

I feel like I am losing my Faith, not my belief in God, but my hope that there is a brighter tomorrow. Sometimes I can't even think about tomorrow because if I do I can start to panic... I lose my ability to catch my breath...

I wish this was easier...

Still Can't Believe... "mom moment"

It still doesn't seem real. I still can't believe she is gone.

Our lives are so different; Our lives are so empty; Our lives are forever changed, and I still can't believe she is gone...

I still can't believe that here on earth I will never see her face again... hear her voice... taste her cooking... or feel her skin. I will never be able to talk to her.... see her smile... watch her love my kids.

I still can't believe that we watched her journey here on earth end. I still can't believe I witnessed such a sight. A sight that was so peaceful and beautiful but at the same time seemed so inhumane and saddening. They are moments I want to forget but at the same time remember for always.

I still can't believe I did that. I buried my mom with such pride of who she was and who she had helped as all become. I still can't believe she is gone...

Mom's 1st Birthday in Heaven...

I just want to start off by saying that I had such a great day today... I have been dreading today since before mom died. With all of my friends and family by my side, how could this of been a bad day? Of course it was sad... it was missing something huge... but we still celebrated... we still enjoyed the beautiful sunshine... we still sang Happy Birthday. I believe that because we "Trust" we were blessed with today.

I wonder how mom celebrated her first birthday in Heaven? I wonder if she heard her grandkids singing Happy Birthday? I wonder if she got all those balloons the kids sent to her? Here are a few pictures from our afternoon celebrating mom...

The kids all had balloons that they wrote on for their grandma and nana. I didn't get a good picture with them holding them because I was trying to video tape that part. The kids held them and sang Happy Birthday and then let the balloons go and watched them until they couldn't see any of them. They believe that is when she got them in Heaven. This is the best picture I got of that part, I think I see a couple.

Not sure why her birthday and Mothers Day have to fall only a couple days a part but what a great time to remember her. She was such a beautiful person. I wrote her a letter in those final weeks; I was given the chance to tell her how much she meant to me as a mom, a best friend, and a hero. I feel so fortunate to have been able to tell her all of that.

She not only raised me to be the person I am today but she saved my life...

Happy Birthday Mom... I love you!

Breathe... "mom moment"

I have been trying all week to write another entry but I just haven't felt up to it. Some days it is hard to sit down and really think about how I am feeling because I have been feeling so lonely without mom and reality is getting harder to face.

On the 27th it had been 2 months since mom passed... It seems like so long ago that I actually talked to her but in all reality we are just getting started on life without her. Life has changed even from when she died. The cards and the encouraging words are few and far between, every ones focus has switched to some other grieving family, and more devastation has come to so many other people in the world. I understand this is how it goes, but in all honesty I am having a harder time the more time passes. Sometimes it is just hard to breathe...

These pictures were taken about 3-5 weeks before mom died. My kids loved their Nana so much and we are trying so hard to remember everything we can about her. She took such good care of them and loved them as if they were her own children. Mom babysat them all at least once a week up until about 2 months before she died. She was such a great Nana and I feel so bad for my boys that they will not get to make more memories with her and experience her love anymore. There really is nothing like a grandmas love...

We have one week until her birthday and Mothers day. Yay...

So I am sitting here just trying to breathe...